Guideline #4: Become Interested

I forgot that the best way -- and perhaps the most genuine way -- to conjure intimacy relies on a very simple act: become interested in others.

People will find you much, much more interesting if you find them interesting. They will also like you more. Like, for instance, in that famous incident after an English princess got done speaking to both William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli:

"When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought
he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I
thought I was the cleverest woman in England."

Become interested in other people -- in what they do, how they think, what they say. I recently had a friend of mine tell me that I was one of the few people in his life that he really respected because I always took his opinions and ideas seriously.

Always take people seriously. They will gain awesome respect for you and become invested in what you say.

Guideline #3: Conjure Intimacy

Conversation is not simply something to do to let the time go by or reduce tensions or awkwardness. Conversation is, in very exciting and unexpected ways, a way to connect.

There is something special in finding someone who shares in your interests, who is enthusiastic about what you love. There is also something frustratingly pleasurable about someone whose views contradict yours, whose ideas and arguments take you somewhere you haven't been before.

It's important, when conversing or communicating in general (I like to look at all communication as a conversation), to aim for establishing connections -- to conjure intimate moments between all parties. There is nothing more endearing than getting along well with someone you have never met before because both of you are completely open to a kind of intimacy.

There are many ways to establish intimacy, but I'll name here a few.

One. Imitate other people's gestures. People like people who look, talk, and act like them.

Two. Always smile. It welcomes others to talk to you. It also sets the mood for the conversation -- positive and light-hearted.

Three. Engage the eyes. Studies have shown that strangers who gaze into each other's eyes for a few minutes will begin to develop passionate feelings for one another. Gazing another's eyes can actually make her fall in love with you.

There are countless other things you can do. Find your own, and leave them here.

Guideline #2: Communicate as an Artist

Communication is an art as much as it is a science. Therefore, you must, if you want to cultivate the practice of successful communication, look at yourself as an artist.

What is involved in looking at oneself as an artist? For one, an artist is someone who revalues things. He looks at things which are familiar to him and defamiliarizes himself with them. He re-thinks them and their importance in his life. This activity allows him perpetually to gain a new perspective on his life.

Two, an artist articulates. He expresses himself -- his feelings, his identity, his style -- by comparing and contrasting with others. He expresses difference and connection. He understands what makes him unique and what makes him similar to others.

Three, an artist is in love with his art-form. He sees in it many beautiful and worth-while things, things without which he believes people will grow dull. It is the thing he becomes so enthusiastic about whenever it is mentioned, and which he opens himself upto for criticism.

There are probably many more attributes that constitute the artist. These three I find very important in my life. If you have any more, please tell us.

Guideline #1: Align Yourself

Effective, inspiring, heart-warming communication requires but a certain mindset. Not a mindset of manipulation, but of service. It recognizes and follows a simple rule: people have an endless desire for self-discovery and self-actualization. People want to appear as expressing the identity that they want to become.

Good communication is in the service of realizing that for people. In other words, language is tied up very tightly with a person's identity. People speak from a place that makes sense to them, even if what they say does not seem to make sense. They are always attempting to portray a certain identity or personality through language, one they wish to be affirmed by others whenever speaking.

The simple truth is this: if you create a message that aligns itself with what people perceive as being a part of their identity, you will have significant control over their decisions.

As I said before, the game is not manipulation. Manipulation would be trying to forge an identity for others, trying to convince others to accept as their identity something that does not make sense to them. No -- strategic communication (the art of communication, afterall, is strategic) is about communing, about aligning selectively and thoughtfully your interests and values with others so as to create a better situation for you and others. You will see -- this is a much, much, much better approach than concentrating your efforts on simply getting someone to do what you want.

So again: align your words with another's self-perception, and you will have control over his thoughts and actions. It will allow for the most beautiful of things to occur.

Welcome!

Welcome to Converse! A Practical Guide to the Art of Communication.

Here I will post tips and ideas on communicating effectively in any situation you're in -- whether at the bar or at work, at the grocery store or at the movies, etc. It is my belief that communication is key to success in life, whether it be in the business world or simply with friends and family. We live in an almost 7 billion person community, and it is essential we explore it if we want to develop long-lasting and beneficial relationships with others.

Please feel free to comment on any of these posts or contribute in any way. Enjoy, and by all means, converse!